Setting boundaries is something that’s always been hard for me. I used to (and still sometimes do) say “yes” to a lot of things I don’t have the capacity for. I feel like that’s an experience most folks can relate to nowadays. A big area I struggled in was that I gave everybody work-related (coworkers, managers, and clients alike) my personal cell phone number to talk about work outside of work. I was practically always on, always available for a “quick” call or text from someone about work, regardless of what time it was. I was always the person people go to to get things done, again, no matter how stretched thin I was. That’s exhausting. But, I figured, “That’s life at work, I’ve got to.” So I did, and like clockwork, every two and a half months, I would break.
When I started therapy in early May, one of the first things my therapist asked me was, “How are you surviving?” My honest answer was, “I don’t know.” She followed that up with, “I know exactly what you need, some boundaries!” And ever since then, with her help, I’ve been working hard every day to prioritize myself. I now have an easier time saying no and sticking up for myself.
It started small, as I created time blocks throughout the day for work (Monday, Wednesday: 10 AM–12 PM, 2 PM–6 PM; Tuesday, Thursday: 2 PM–5:30 PM; Friday: 10 AM–12 PM, 1 PM–4 PM; Saturday, Sunday: 1 PM–4 PM) and asked both my therapist and my amazing partner to be firm in not allowing me to work past my “on” hours or in my off hours. I also stopped working for free, as I have been empowered to realize my worth. And, over the weekend, I bought a cheap little Android, downloaded TextNow for a phone number, and removed all my work apps from my cell phone. My work phone will only be on when I am on, and it is the only thing besides my desktop that I will do any work on.
I also sent this message to people who I think have my cell phone number, to clearly establish my new boundary with them:
“Greetings!
I hope you’re well! I wanted to let you know that I have converted my old office phone number into a mobile work phone number. For reference, this number is (redacted number). In the future, as I’m working on setting and establishing boundaries and attempting to separate personal from work, I would appreciate it if you only communicated with me through this number or via email. I kindly request that you update your contact cards for me respectively and remove my personal cell phone number from your contacts.
I’m emailing this to you as part of a mass-BCC message because we have either communicated over the phone in the past or I believe you have my cell phone number. If you don’t have my personal number and ended up on this list anyway, feel free to disregard this message, and have a great day!
I will have the phone associated with the new work number on my person at all times, but I will only reply to texts or answer calls during my typical working hours (in my email signature) unless we communicate otherwise on a case-by-case basis. If you have any questions, please let me know, and be sure only to hit “Reply” and not “Reply All” so there is no confusion. Thank you so much for helping me establish this boundary!”
I’m certainly not finished on my journey to creating and enforcing boundaries, nor my journey to self-healing. But today, I am proud of myself for doing the hard things and creating space for myself to separate from work. And I encourage you to do the same if you need it. It’s worth it, and there’s so much less stress.
Derek I. Schmitz 